I am the product of a one car family. This is not an issue
for the most part; however, it does lead to the fact that I don’t drive that
often. That, my drinking problem*, and my fears. But I digress.
*written, obviously, before I quit drinking.
So maybe it’s just me not being used to driving or even
keeping my eyes on the road, but when did everyone become mentally disabled
when driving? Mostly in the snow. Now I saw that 99 percent of the cars had NY
license plates. And I didn’t hear about a rash of relocating to the capital
city of Albany ,
so what in the fuck is wrong with you people? It’s snow. You live in the
northeast. Get on with it!!!
The weathermen would’ve led you to believe that we were
getting destroyed by the nuclear bomb of a storm last night. I barely had to
take out my brush/ice scraper. So is it the weatherman’s fault? Let’s break it
down into why you drive the way you do, because I really want to give you the
benefit of the doubt, and in the spirit of the holidays not call you a fucking
idiot tool bag ass munch.
1. The Weathermen/Women. Or
Meteorologist if they had 10 grand more to shell out in How to Be a Liar school.
I don’t stare directly into the high-def glowing talking picture box as much as
most so maybe I miss the brainwashing hypnosis that makes you believe that
there will be snow, and you’ll be lucky if you can climb out your second floor
window and take your dog sled to work! You were right to cancel that Tupperware
party you had planned for 10 days from now—you might just barely be getting
back on your feet then. Use that Tupperware to dig yourself out of that half
inch of slush that actually fell.
2. You Hibernate In The Winter. But
this year, I don’t know, maybe you had to go out and get your cable converter;
otherwise, you won’t be able to watch 6, 10 and 13. Goddamn cable Nazis!
Messing with your rabbit ears which have worked just fine since you got them in
1946. So you go out and not only are you unfamiliar with all the new traffic
lights, lines in the road, speed limits over 25 and these new fangled
automobiles, you have to deal with snow on top of it? You poor thing. You get a
pass.
3. You Just Moved To The
Northeast. You had to have just moved here from Florida or something. You don’t even
know what snow looks like. The first time you saw frost in the yard, you went
out and rolled around, desperately trying to make a snow angel until your wet
hair from the shower froze to the ground and your neighbors laughed and shamed
you back indoors. Now that you’ve seen your first snowfall, you are scared to
death. Just stay home whenever it snows, it’s safer. I have to think people
like this are the rarest of any category. After all, who would move here from Florida ? Isn’t it the
other way around?
4. You’re Old. I love old
people, I really do. And I want you to go about your life as if you were still
in your swinging sixties, but you just can’t. Chances are you’re slightly
curved in the back, which reduces your height and thus limits your view over
the steering wheel and dashboard. The worst part of this is that I will have
already honked, flashed my lights, and sped past you with my middle finger
poised before I realize that you are an adorable old person. And then I will
feel AWFUL! Did you ever think about how I might feel? I will give you my
number and be a surrogate grandchild to get you to and fro since your asshole
family is not helping you out, deal?
5. You’re Sixteen. Give me
your parents’ phone number so that I can:
A) Kick their ass for paying off whatever
shady DMV guy gave you your license.
B) Slap them around for letting you
drive your new sweet sixteen present while you totally text Amber to say that
you're skipping school to go to the mall, or:
C) Let them know that you’re having
sex and doing drugs, whether or not it’s true, so they maybe punish you by not
letting you drive till spring comes or until you’ve grown a brain.
Basically, everyone should be used to the fact that these
are the Northeastern United States , this is
not the first snowfall ever, nor is it even close to being the worst storm
we’ve ever had. Remember twenty years ago when you would get four feet of snow
and school wouldn’t be cancelled (Ichabod Crane excluded)? So relax, save your
double latte fuckachino till you get to work so that you're not white knuckling
your way down I-90 to get to work. Or move south. Your choice.
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