So after spending the whole day on the phone with Tiffany's because they spelled your name wrong on the engraving, I finally decided to go there in person and take action. They corrected this horrible mistake and soon I was on my way with your beautiful, engraved gift. Then, out of nowhere, these ninjas jumped from behind the bushes and began attacking me. I held on to your gift, holding it tight to my chest and cowering over it as if I were protecting an infant in a tornado. They beat me about my neck, back and legs. I lost consciousness at one point, but never the gift. I begged 'please! Take my life, but not this special gift for Ellen!' They showed no mercy. Eventually they tired and I was on my way, beaten and broken and bleeding but determined to deliver your gift. I turned a corner and slipped on some ice. Because I did not want to break the gift I held it over my head forgoing protection to my face. I broke my nose and blood began gushing from it and left a path on the sidewalk as I slid at great speeds down the slight incline coming to a stop on a patch of sidewalk that had no ice. The pavement shorn my eyebrows clear off. Not a scratch on the gift though. Then I collected myself as best I could and continued to walk. School children saw me and began screaming. It was deafening. Their parents immediately lit torches and began chasing me as if I were an ogre in a small village. I clutched the gift and ran as fast as my tattered body would allow. It was in vain because they caught up to me and set me on fire. I was able to throw myself in a snow bank, gift first of course, and the flames slowly went out. Most of my clothes were burned clear off but I got up, dug the gift out of the snow bank and continued to walk. A snow plow passed spraying me with road salt with stung so badly on my bare, wounded skin. I thought "this is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life, but far less than the pain of not acknowledging Ellen's two year anniversary with this beautiful engraved gift." Wounds of the skin may heal, but wounds of the heart leave scars for eternity. I continued walking at a much slower pace than before. I was so determined to get this gift to you. As I approached the DMV building next to yours, I tried to avoid the line which was wrapped around the building. The line of angry, obnoxious people waiting to go into the DMV was a large as I'd ever seen. I realized that I needed to renew my license. Someone at the front of the line offered me their spot in exchange for the gift. I couldn't pass up an opportunity like that! First in line at the DMV with no waiting? So, I reluctantly gave your beautiful, engraved gift in exchange for this once in a lifetime opportunity. I hope you understand.
