Anyone who knows me, and by ‘knows me’ I mean reads my wildly hysterical facebook posts on a daily basis, knows that I have been loving the turkey burgers lately. I can’t get enough! I don’t care for red meat. I don’t like it, and it certainly does not like me. Lately I have had a hankering for a burger and rather than go through the physical, emotional and political devastation, I do not satisfy that craving. I instead happily enjoy a tasty turkey burger.
I recently discovered that the diner in my building serves a turkey burger. What convenience! I had one once and it was not half bad. There’s one problem with the diner downstairs. The prices are ridiculous. They are also usually made up on the spot. One time for example, I paid 6.50 for an egg salad sandwich. I questioned this price exclaiming that many places were offering egg salad sandwiches for almost half that price. The response? “Well you wanted lettuce and tomato on it.” Got it. 30 cents of additional produce on a meal consisting of two slices of bread, one egg and two tablespoons of mayonnaise = 6.50. Understood. Did I stop going back? No. I just stopped ordering the egg salad.
One time I got a breakfast sandwich. It was obviously early, so my account of this might not be entirely accurate, but when I realized 40 seconds after ordering that I forgot to ask for cheese, the price went from 3.50 to 5.75. Or something ridiculous like that.
I used to make some iced tea at my desk during the warm summer months. I would simply make a cup of tea, wait for it to cool a bit and pour it over ice. Voila, iced tea deliciousness. One time I went down to the diner and asked for a cup of ice. Full intending to pay for it, I was told in no uncertain terms in a Greek accent with a hint of anger ‘you gonna have to pay for it’. Really? I assumed it would be for free! What with your five dollar add ons! This money I have already put in my hand in no way indicated my willingness to pay for a cup of ice, I’m glad you told me. Would’ve been awful if I was confused at all. (You don’t have to pay extra for sarcasm) I was charged a quarter. No problem! Glad to do it. A week later inflation hit and the cup of ice doubled in price. That same angry Greek accent explained to me something about units and pricing. I glazed over, paid 50 cents and decided to never again forget my Tervis Tumbler at home. Cut to a couple weeks after that when I went with my tumbler asking for ice. ‘I gonna have to charge-a you.’ And I was on my way. Each of these times swearing I would find a way to end my already sporadic relationship with this greedy man.
Then today I decided ‘I’m tired and hungry, I will go get a turkey burger and I don’t care what it costs.’ Since I know that adding anything to it usually means that the price will be pulled from out of thin air, I opt to order a certain variety of a burger deluxe since it is guaranteed to come with cheese ($3.75) and lettuce ($2.25) and tomato ($14.50). “Well I gonna hafta charge a you more for da turkey.”
“I assumed.” I replied. Not in an angry, confrontational way. I was letting him know that I was aware there would be a difference in price and that I was in no way trying to get one over on him with my tricky and sneaky substitution.
“Wull lemme essplain it to you.” He said defiantly.
“No need to explain it. I’ll pay extra.”
“You see, a turkey you get a 4 ounce-“
“You don’t need to explain it to me. I would like the turkey burger.”
“Wull I gonna hafta charge a you more.”
“Well how much more?” I finally asked because he was pressing the matter so intently I though “am I going to have to sign a release saying I understand that a turkey burger is more than a regular one?” or “will I have to refinance my home?” Just give me a fucking turkey burger.
“Ess gon be $6.75.” Totally reasonable! Before I could say “ok” yet again. “Lemme essplain it to you.” My patience was wearing thin.
“You don’t need to explain anything.”
“Wull I jus a wanna tell you –“ And he went on to ‘essplain’ that the turkey burger costs more. I can tell you what he said, but I’d rather translate it into what I heard.
“It’s not because I’m a cheap asshole. The turkey burger is bigger. I know that I’m ripping people off every single day and I’m really defensive about it. And since there’s now a crowd forming and you don’t look pleased, I’m going to state my peace for all to hear!”
He finished, uninterrupted by me, and I nodded in comprehension.
“You know what?” I asked. “Now I don’t want anything!”
And I turned and left. Dumb bastard. I would’ve paid nine bucks for a turkey burger today. Now I’m not coming back until I either get over it or get really lazy. Count on the latter, but for now the boycott is in full effect! It might not put much of a dent on his income. I only ate there 1 or 2 times a month. That kind of patronage probably only made half of his mortgage. Unless I wanted cheese on it.
