Snowday! (orig 12/8/08)

I work in Albany, the capital of the great state of New York. Currently we are suffering the worst winter we’ve had in years (prompt the “so much for global warming!” argument which is just GENIUS if you ask me).

Anyway, people seem to forget that this is typical winter of days of yore. In 1987 we got about 4 feet of snow in October! Now we get four inches and it’s pandemonium. You go to the grocery store – smart move, no sarcasm here – to get things so that you don’t have to go out when the weather is worse. Riddle me this, why bread, water, milk and eggs? If this truly is an apocalyptical storm of the millennium, why perishable goods? But I digress. If you’re going to panic, just stay home.

The reason why this has got my goat today is because of where I am regionally. It should come as no surprise that we get snow, given that we live in the northeastern United States. However, people walk around mystified. “What are these magical cold flakes of white that are falling to earth? Are the angel’s wings shedding feathers? Is this God’s dandruff?” No, it’s fucking snow. And it’s winter. Let’s move on.

Another regional encumbrance is this land only known as “The Hills”.

Moron number one: “There supposed to get like twice as much in The Hills.”

Moron number two: “I live in The Hills. I am probably going to stay home tomorrow.”

Then, the reason for my headphones at my desk is because these people call their town folk who I can only assume are guarding The Hills to check on the weather “up there”. And then, as if we haven’t heard their conversation, they get off the phone and repeat to whoever’s around that “My mom said it’s getting pretty nasty up there.”

I grew up in the country. Small farming community of fewer than 1000 people and many, many hills. We lived in a village. There are hills around us, that’s what makes it a village. Got it? Now a majority of my friends lived in hilly areas. You know what they got? They got chains for the snow tires on their 4 wheel drive automobiles. You know what they didn't get? Excuses.

How I Get To Work (Orig. 6/11/08)

Sometimes I take my helicopter, which lands in my backyard, connects to a solar tube attached to my back door. Then it drops me off on the roof of my building into a similar tube, and I am transported safely into the top floor elevator. 9 floors down and I'm ready to work.

Sometimes I do my “I Dream Of Jeanie” impression, which I stumbled upon one morning when I did it just for goofs and next thing you know I'm sitting at my desk in my pajamas! Oh, the site. So I quickly transported myself home, changed my clothes, folded my arms, bopped my head, and I'm back at work. This method is by far my favorite.

Sometimes I take my portal. I discovered this by accident as well. I was checking out the back of my closet when I moved into my new house. I pushed on the back wall for leverage when all of a sudden I was tumbling through space. I landed right at my desk moments later. Thought effective, this method can be painful and scary, unless of course you like the feeling of falling. And of course, can land on your feet.

Sometimes I just sleep at my desk. Wake up and work.

This must be why you insist upon telling me the weather every morning, co-worker. Or telling me about the driving conditions. Because I have somehow morphed here and haven’t experienced the extreme heat. And what about that snow a few months ago! And oh, that congestion! I'm fortunate to have missed out on that experience!

I don’t know how you do it each day, but you should really look into the ways I get to work. It really reduces stress.

That is, until you get to work and tell me all about it. 

Drives Me Crazy (Orig. 12/18/08)

Drives Me Crazy (Orig. 12/18/08)

I am the product of a one car family. This is not an issue for the most part; however, it does lead to the fact that I don’t drive that often. That, my drinking problem*, and my fears. But I digress.

*written, obviously, before I quit drinking.

So maybe it’s just me not being used to driving or even keeping my eyes on the road, but when did everyone become mentally disabled when driving? Mostly in the snow. Now I saw that 99 percent of the cars had NY license plates. And I didn’t hear about a rash of relocating to the capital city of Albany, so what in the fuck is wrong with you people? It’s snow. You live in the northeast. Get on with it!!!

The weathermen would’ve led you to believe that we were getting destroyed by the nuclear bomb of a storm last night. I barely had to take out my brush/ice scraper. So is it the weatherman’s fault? Let’s break it down into why you drive the way you do, because I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt, and in the spirit of the holidays not call you a fucking idiot tool bag ass munch.

1.     The Weathermen/Women. Or Meteorologist if they had 10 grand more to shell out in How to Be a Liar school. I don’t stare directly into the high-def glowing talking picture box as much as most so maybe I miss the brainwashing hypnosis that makes you believe that there will be snow, and you’ll be lucky if you can climb out your second floor window and take your dog sled to work! You were right to cancel that Tupperware party you had planned for 10 days from now—you might just barely be getting back on your feet then. Use that Tupperware to dig yourself out of that half inch of slush that actually fell.

2.     You Hibernate In The Winter. But this year, I don’t know, maybe you had to go out and get your cable converter; otherwise, you won’t be able to watch 6, 10 and 13. Goddamn cable Nazis! Messing with your rabbit ears which have worked just fine since you got them in 1946. So you go out and not only are you unfamiliar with all the new traffic lights, lines in the road, speed limits over 25 and these new fangled automobiles, you have to deal with snow on top of it? You poor thing. You get a pass.

3.     You Just Moved To The Northeast. You had to have just moved here from Florida or something. You don’t even know what snow looks like. The first time you saw frost in the yard, you went out and rolled around, desperately trying to make a snow angel until your wet hair from the shower froze to the ground and your neighbors laughed and shamed you back indoors. Now that you’ve seen your first snowfall, you are scared to death. Just stay home whenever it snows, it’s safer. I have to think people like this are the rarest of any category. After all, who would move here from Florida? Isn’t it the other way around?

4.     You’re Old. I love old people, I really do. And I want you to go about your life as if you were still in your swinging sixties, but you just can’t. Chances are you’re slightly curved in the back, which reduces your height and thus limits your view over the steering wheel and dashboard. The worst part of this is that I will have already honked, flashed my lights, and sped past you with my middle finger poised before I realize that you are an adorable old person. And then I will feel AWFUL! Did you ever think about how I might feel? I will give you my number and be a surrogate grandchild to get you to and fro since your asshole family is not helping you out, deal?

5.     You’re Sixteen. Give me your parents’ phone number so that I can:

A)   Kick their ass for paying off whatever shady DMV guy gave you your license.

B)    Slap them around for letting you drive your new sweet sixteen present while you totally text Amber to say that you're skipping school to go to the mall, or:

C)    Let them know that you’re having sex and doing drugs, whether or not it’s true, so they maybe punish you by not letting you drive till spring comes or until you’ve grown a brain.

Basically, everyone should be used to the fact that these are the Northeastern United States, this is not the first snowfall ever, nor is it even close to being the worst storm we’ve ever had. Remember twenty years ago when you would get four feet of snow and school wouldn’t be cancelled (Ichabod Crane excluded)? So relax, save your double latte fuckachino till you get to work so that you're not white knuckling your way down I-90 to get to work. Or move south. Your choice. 

Askin' for it

I never usually get political because I know I'm inviting a whirlwind of shit. And I probably won't be very popular for this post but I have to say it. A lot of people have some pretty mixed (and opinionated) feelings surrounding Whitney Houston's death. I, however, take issue with people parlaying it into a sanctimonious diatribe about who the "real heroes" are. There's no doubt that our troops are selfless, brave and make incredible sacrifices on a daily basis to protect our freedoms and they should be thanked every day for their commitment to that; and not because there's a feeling of misplaced attention on a celebrity. Fact: Whitney Houston was an idol, a star, a tragic talent who died way too early. She was one of the biggest superstars of our generation. Hands down one of the best and most celebrated voices ever heard. All of her accomplishments were overshadowed by her downward spiral into addiction and self-destruction. Alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease for which there is no cure and she succumbed to this disease. She's also a human being. And regardless of what one may interpret as sad, it WAS tragic and sad to see an amazing performer lose her way and subsequently her life. Where have we seen this before? Does anyone remember Elvis?

As a newly minted sober person I can say that this is a serious illness. It's frightening and life threatening. It doesn't make you a bad person. I've heard this quote once which helps me forgive myself for the pain my addictions caused others. I wasn't a bad person; I was a sick person doing bad things. I work really hard on this everyday and it's the most important and rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. And it is NOT easy. I am one of the lucky ones and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I made it through another sober minute.


If you want to support our troops and draw attention to their nobility then do it everyday. Send a care package. Make a donation. Throw a fundraiser. Do more than just click "share" on a meme and writing "SO TRUE" about it. And please.......keep the issues separate.

Now I'm sure I'm gonna get a ton of responses, both negative and positive but if you attack what I have to say then you're more than likely missing my point.