I feel like there should be a new show called Celebrity Douchebag Club – like Celebrity Fit Club but instead of pounds of fat there are pounds of narcissism. And there’s always time for them to ‘weigh in’.
This is not shocking. That’s kind of what makes up their respective celebrity. But there seems to be a shift in the trend in the past few years. Instead of asking celebrities about themselves (usually their favorite topic) they are asked to weigh in on other celebrity scandals. My question is this: if I don’t really give a shit about the scandal to begin with, why the hell do I give a shit what Drew Barrymore thinks about it?
Upon learning of Tiger Woods’ affair, I will admit I was shocked. I was also a little entertained. This squeaky clean golf pro all of a sudden grew horns? Sensational. But you know what? I don’t feel bad for his wife. Know why? Because I don’t know who the fuck she is. She’s not a friend of mine, I'm pretty sure we’ve never crossed paths, and I'm near positive I can’t pronounce her last name. So you will not see my name along side of the citizens of the world in their public outcry and overflowing sympathy for Elin Norgebasbyrwsbt. Want to know why else I don’t feel bad for her? What kind of wife doesn’t know her husband is carrying on that many affairs? Bullshit. I’ve never heard her speak publicly, but unless she’s Helen Keller lame, she must’ve known something. Don’t you think?
And now Sandra Bullock’s husband cheats on her. So sad, so devastating! Right on the heels of her Oscar win and all the accoutrement that goes with it. Who would’ve seen it coming???? America’s sweetheart tames a motorcycle riding, beer drinking, tattooed man named Jesse James. They fall in love, get married and life happily ever after. Her career doesn’t take her away from her thrice married husband, no sir. And how cute is it that after being married to a porn star, he’s ready to settle down with goofy, snort-laughing girl next door. And they’ve never been exposed to movies where this same scenario plays out and doesn’t go so well for the leading female. (See Hope Floats)
Get real. Why do you think Keanu Reeves wasn’t in Speed 2? You can’t keep an action hero tied down! But more importantly, if my husband were to cheat on me and I were publicly (more limited than say, Sandra Bullock) humiliated, nothing would make me feel better than to have completely delusional strangers tweeting about it! My heart would fill with joy and all the sadness would go away. I would pick up the pieces and move on with my life. Or move to my hometown, rediscover my roots and fall in love with the ugly duckling turned handsome prince that I shirked off all throughout high school. I would say great tag lines ‘I never believed in second chances’ and he would say ‘well, I believe in you’ as the music swells and the rain pours down and I realize I loved him all along. That’s how it happens, right?
Maybe it’s a little hypocritical of me to go on about how people go on, so I'm gonna stop now. People just need to realize that celebrities are not your friends and family. And when your husband goes to get a little nookie cookie somewhere else because you’re too busy being obsessed with watching the ‘E!’ channel, I'm pretty sure Sandra Bullock is not gonna rally on her facebook page for you.
Now, I have to go. Brad and Angie are having another baby and I have got to get a card.
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