Snack Attack

I must be cursed. Maybe this happens to everyone and they just don’t all batshit crazy like I do, but I feel like I constantly find the most disgusting things in my food. So I'm starting a photo log. About a year ago I was reaching into a snack pack sized serving of Lays original potato chips when I touched what felt like a furry little mouse. I screamed bloody murder, threw the bag across the room and did the hibbity jibbity dance for several minutes all while making the most eloquent dry heaving noise. It does not matter that it was probably just some strange oily clump, or whatever the woman on the phone described, I know it felt like a mouse. I know it looked like a fuzzy turd. I know it was not a delicious potato chip.

Eventually my nightmares subsided. After my post traumatic stress disorder therapy, I was able to enjoy the quality products that Lays© had to offer. Of course, their mea culpa involved coupons for more of their product in the hopes that I would continue to be a reliable customer, sans fuzzy turd.

No sooner am I healed from my salty snack fiasco then I buy myself a jar of Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts. I love these so much a rarely get out of the store without making that delightful popping sound that comes with the breaking of the vacuum packed seal. I believe this to be the jars way of saying ‘you’re welcome’ to the thanks I am giving for the freshness insurance that comes with said popping sound. It’s comforting and soothing and tells me “you will be satisfied with this snack. So you can imagine my dismay when the first serving from the jar presents something that does not feel like a peanut. No sir. It feels like bones and teeth. I know it is not bones and teeth but there was a split second before my hand old my brain to tell my eyes to look and make sure. Until then, I could only assume it was the skeletal remains of the fuzzy chip mouse. It was this.

So yet again, my salted snack craving thwarted by what I'm told is a normal occurrence? “Sometimes the nuts just get cluster and the oil and blahblahblah……” How do I know this???? I'm no snack expert! I'm supposed to believe the word of some 800 number employee reading from a page? There’s no sanctity in my snacks anymore. And my consolation? Coupons for more snack, more risk, more chances to be disappointed and scared to eat this wonderful treats. That is all for now, I'm sure I will have updates as my life goes on, if it does after such a tragedy. Pretzels, don’t let me down.

PS Keep in mind, I found what I believed to be an eagle’s talon in a chicken salad a few years back but was not camera ready. I'm ready now. I hope you all are too.